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Bachelorhood isn't easy

  • 3rd Dec, 2005 at 12:20 AM

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I make a lousy bachelor. I can't seem to live this bachelor lifestyle properly. It's quite embarassing to have people over and show them my flat. But I just can't seem to force myself to live that way.

My idea of a bachelor pad is a place where I can lounge about all day reading whatever I please. Whenever I don't clean up, there are books strewn all about: the dining room table, the sofa, even the bed. I understand that this version of bachelorhood is a little archaic.

I'll throw my clothes into piles, which is promising; except I sort them by colours, which defeats the purpose.

It's not like I don't try to live like a slob. Sometimes, I leave my dishes in the sink, but then I have to cook something so I clean them all. Oh yes, cooking. So I decided that I would indulge in a bachelor supper tonight: beans with pork. Pretty standard fare, hmm?

Well, I dug around in the pantry and found some dried beans, which I reconstituted this morning and drained. Then I found some bacon in the fridge from my expedition earlier in the week. Well, then we need something to go with it, so the bacon goes into the bottom of my pressure cooker with some diced red onion. After that started smelling good, I dumped in the beans, some ketchup, maple syrup, brown sugar, mustard, and cayenne. I clamped the lid on and cooked them for about fifteen minutes. I'm eating them now with a bit of toast and they're really quite good.

I don't think I'll ever get this right. Help?


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
3rd Dec, 2005 05:23 (UTC)
it's not hard.. just start travelling more and more, and i guarantee that you'll start letting things slide. You might even forget to do laundry and judge clothes by the smell test...
3rd Dec, 2005 05:32 (UTC)
It may help if you ate the beans right out of the pot.
3rd Dec, 2005 05:48 (UTC)
Maybe you should ask Joe for lessons?
3rd Dec, 2005 06:06 (UTC)
I can't help you with the clothes and mess departments, but with regard to the food:

Pork and beans is so two generations ago. But if you do insist on doing pork and beans, the beans must be eaten straight out of the can. You can heat the can if you want, but given the construction of modern cans, I don't know if this is advisable.

Bacon can be fried or boiled. Wouldn't boiling be the wrong way of doing bacon, you say? Well, sure ... but if you've forgotten to buy oil, it's an acceptable bachelor alternative.

Ketchup and maple syrup: acceptable. Cayenne and diced red onion: not acceptable. Mustard: usually acceptable, but not if it's some kind of grainy Dijon. Brown sugar: acceptable if this were the mid 1800s and you live on a farm; otherwise, no.

But as said, pork and beans are really more a previous generation's version of "bachelor fare". Our generation's "bachelor fare" is macaroni & cheese. Get Kraft dinners, not Lipton sidekicks. You are permitted to add sausage or spam if you so wish. The sausage in question should be the kind of slightly rubbery hot dog sausage that's been so thoroughly processed that it doesn't leak juice when you cook it, and the casing is barely detectable. In other words, something similar to Schneider's, that either comes in a can or in a pack of ten. Spam ... I don't think there's anything I can say about that other than that I do not mean the e-mail variety.

There you go. Now, I have just one question: whatever possessed you to think that this was a desirable stereotype to follow??
3rd Dec, 2005 08:07 (UTC)
I was about to suggest Kraft Dinners with ketchup.

I am living the student diet for the past couple of days.

I had leftover chocolate icing from the can, i think that was the extent of my diet.

oh and golden grahams cereal, so addictive!

5th Dec, 2005 00:03 (UTC)
No, no, no.

Pork and beans straight from the can is "hobo", not "bachelor". (Actually, I'm not sure how to eat pork and beans as a bachelor, since I don't like beans much. But I'm pretty sure it involves cooking the pork and the beans together, not separately.)

Fancy mustards and condiments are fine, because condiments are easy. You store them in a jar and slather them on things. In fact, finding a single really good mustard (I like "Honeycup Uniquely Spiced", which I can't find outside southern Ontario) that you can use as a salad dressing, cold cut dip, burger topping, and sandwich spread is the ideal to strive for. Any sauce which requires you to cut things up first is not bachelor. Similarly, Lipton sidekicks are great, except you don't eat them as a side, you eat them as the entire meal. They're like Kraft dinner that costs more but tastes better and has more variety.

The idea is not to eat POORLY, it's to eat LAZILY. As a starving student, you want to find the cheapest meals you can, but lots of students save cash by spending extra time to make meals from scratch with bulk ingredients. Starving student bachelors will eat KD, and employed bachelors pay a little more for food that tastes better and is just as convenient.
3rd Dec, 2005 07:51 (UTC)
You know, most people want to break out of that lifestyle. If you're not inherently lazy enough to get into those habits naturally, don't! You're better off that way.

I have slightly (but not much more than slightly) higher culinary standards than macaroni and cheese. On work terms, I still tend to stick with things I can microwave (part of why I live in residence on academic terms is to help stave off the accumulation of vitamin deficiencies), but it's out of laziness, not desire to do so.

Of course, now that I'm making more, perhaps I should live it up a little. Maybe. Except I probably won't. :-)
3rd Dec, 2005 19:49 (UTC)
I'm not sure I quite follow why you want to enter traditional bachelorhood...
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )