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Speaker for the Dead

  • 24th Feb, 2005 at 12:53 AM

I just got back from Caitlin's place. I cooked her a wonderful dinner of pepper beef and Shanghai bok choi. I'm glad that my Chinese cuisine skills are still up to par.

She has a gas stove. (envy)

It is odd being [Ed: quite probably] the last person to have a true heart-to-heart conversation with Deniz. And it is even more bizarre having to tell the living the last things she said about them. Because, to some extent, it is what they need to hear. And I think they are things she would say now, because it is too late to do anything about them. Who would want the living to exist in any more uncertainty and doubt? Not I.

Why am I the one who must speak with her voice? Why could she not have spoken herself?

We all assume we will wake the next morning.



( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
24th Feb, 2005 06:00 (UTC)
I'd imagine that faced with the alternatives -- to laugh or to cry, she'd be laughing. That keeps me from crying.

That said, if it'd happened a year earlier, many fewer people in this LJ circle would have known her. I can just see her, in February 2004, bargaining with some Supreme Power. "Just *think* of what I could do in another year!"

I can hear her in her own voice, but to hear her words in your voice wouldn't go amiss. Whatever we can get.
24th Feb, 2005 13:48 (UTC)
The amazing thing is, even though I didn't know her as well as some, I can still imagine her voice right now.
24th Feb, 2005 14:50 (UTC)
It is odd being the last person to have a true heart-to-heart conversation with Deniz.

Are you sure ? WTF ? Where you there the Friday taking care of her ? Where you there that week ? No. Stop gossip spreading. Thank you.
24th Feb, 2005 15:00 (UTC)
I'm fairly sure I was the last person to share secrets with her. We spent five hours talking about how we had lived, and what we hoped to do.

I am not saying that other people did not have conversations with her. Nor that other people did not love her as much. I'm just specifying a very narrow type of interaction that is special in its fellowship.

If I was not the last person, then other people must speak for her as well, I suppose. To say the things that the dead would, but no longer can.
24th Feb, 2005 16:53 (UTC)
How can you be fairly sure ? Did you have her schedule ? Why do you think someone else should speak up since it is about secrets ?

Looks like you are making this as a d**k contest.
24th Feb, 2005 17:06 (UTC)
You don't have to use this language with me. Frankly, this is quite unacceptable.

I don't particularly care whether or not I am the exact last. Maybe she shared some final secret with Diva before her passing. It doesn't make my sentiments any less valid. I am commenting on the heavy burden of speaking with the people who loved her, and deciding what to say and what to leave out.

If you can't understand the purity of my intentions, I can't possibly get through to you.
24th Feb, 2005 17:31 (UTC)
What I don't understand is why people spread gossips about thing they don't know at all. Your post made you pretend that you knew more than anyone about what happened. That really annoys me, because it is obviously wrong. That's one thing I'm sure.
24th Feb, 2005 17:37 (UTC)
I never claimed to be omniscient. But I don't have to pretend.

I do know things that other people didn't, and had to be told. Things I can never tell you but needed to be told to certain others because they were Important.

You also know things that I don't, but that's just how the world works. Nobody can't be in more than one place at a time. That's just how truth is: multifaceted and overwhelmingly big.

I'm sorry if I consistently give you the wrong impression. I don't know how to say things better for you.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )